How do we value ourselves?
We are constantly looking for validation from our friends, co-workers,
family, significant others and even strangers; sometimes especially from
strangers. Does this dress look good on
me? Do you think I should cut my
hair? Do you like my boyfriend? We are forever looking outside of ourselves
for the answers.
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| Awareness is the first step. |
It’s amazing how much we seek others opinions only to
disregard them if they don’t match our own view of ourselves. If you think you are fat, you may spend a
great deal of energy trying to prove to yourself that you are. Your loved ones can swear that you’re not and
tell you over and over again how great you look, and even though you value
their opinions, (on other stuff), you only see fat, so they may as well save
their breath.
But have you ever noticed that the only opinion that
ultimately matters is our own? If you
don’t believe me, take any of the above instances. You ask your friend if a dress looks good on
you. You know she’s got your back and
wouldn’t steer you wrong. She tells you
that it looks fantastic, but you’re not so sure. You begin to see that it makes you look a
little large and that the color is all wrong.
Is it the truth? Whose view is
correct? In actuality, they both
are.
Whether or not the dress looks stunning on you or not makes
no difference because you have made the call and it doesn’t matter what your
friend says or does; you see what you see and nobody is going to change your
mind. We have the choice at any time to
believe the best or worst in ourselves or anyone for that matter. Nothing is empirically true, it’s all a
matter of opinion.
Unfortunately, it seems easier to believe the bad opinions
about ourselves than the good. Even
though we have control of our thoughts, it feels as if we don’t, so we continue
to tell ourselves the worst, and the more we do it, the more “true” it seems to
be and the harder it is to change our own mind about ourselves. And on and on and round and round it goes.
This is an interesting conundrum because the love,
validation, and approval that we are constantly seeking is available at any
time. Meaning, it is always in our
control or sphere of influence to attain that which we pursue. The challenge is that we are forever seeking
outside of ourselves as if someone else has the answers we seek. We have given away our power with the false
belief that someone else has the answers. But the truth is always within –
within each of us. Each and every one of
us knows what’s right for us but we’ve forgotten to trust our gut or that
little voice or feeling.
We’ve all heard that you can’t truly love someone else until
you learn to love yourself. I don’t know
about you, but I’ve always struggled with understanding that. But now I realize that it means that in order
to truly LOVE, which means to be truly good to another, we must first learn to
be good to ourselves; to nurture, care, listen, trust, embrace, accept,
support, and forgive ourselves – to name a few.
In other words, if we haven’t learned to be good to and value ourselves,
then chances are, we aren’t going to be totally loving to someone else.
This is great news because we are in a life-long
relationship with our self, so we always have someone to practice on. Learning to turn inward instead of outward,
teaches us to value and trust our thoughts and feelings. It teaches us to accept and honor who we are
and where we are. Everything that that
we want from another person we can give to ourselves, and as we learn to honor
who and where we are, we become more accepting of others and who and where
others are.
So how can we trust ourselves more and turn inward rather
than outward? First we can begin by
realizing that the ultimate approval that we seek is our own. It sounds so simple. But as we all know, simple is not always
easy. Learning to value ourselves is a
full-time, life-long endeavor but it doesn’t have to be tedious or
exhausting. Learning to value our
opinions and ultimately be good to ourselves is the best gift we can give.
Step One: Begin to notice your thoughts and feelings –
any of them whenever you can. Becoming
aware and conscience is the first step to being able to accept, challenge or
change them. A good practice is to set a
reminder to become aware and ask yourself, “What am I thinking or what am I
feeling…right now?” Write it on a
post-it and put it on the bathroom mirror or better yet on all the mirrors of
your house or the fridge, set a daily or hourly reminder in your phone;
anything that will remind you to stop and check in with yourself at least once
a day is a good start.
The key is to become aware of what you’re thinking and/or feeling. Most of us spend most of our lives
unconscious of our thoughts or feelings and believe they just happen and that
we have no control over them, so we need to catch ourselves in the act and
examine them without judgement.
Step Two: After you become aware of your thought or
emotion, the goal is to acknowledge it.
Acknowledgement is always the first step. Acknowledgement is like saying, “Hmmm”, and
just noticing what is. After
acknowledgment comes acceptance. First
you notice it and then you accept it because it already IS. After all, what is, is. Accepting doesn’t mean you like or dislike
it, it just means you’re not rejecting it.
When we reject something about ourselves, we make it unacceptable and
that’s the first step to feeling bad.
Step Three: Now we can decide what we want to do. We can stop with acknowledging and accepting
or we can challenge and change our minds or choose to focus on another
feeling. We always attract what we focus
on, so if we want to change our mind or feeling, we can consciously focus on
something else. I want to learn to be
kind and gentle with myself, to support and encourage, rather than tear down
and devalue. So when I can, I do my best
to follow this 3-step plan. Remember,
it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind; so let’s practicing changing it to
love, value and accept ourselves.
Life is all made up.
You are making it up right now.
Nothing is set in stone; you are the author and star of your own
story. You have the power to value who
you are and truly love yourself.
Practice the above three steps over and over and see how you want to feel
or think. It’s up to you! Have fun and don’t forget to enjoy the
JOY-ney!
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